If you have the urge.....

[LeeS]

If any of you have the urge this Saturday to jump off your bike and hit the deck I will outline your the itinerary for the coming week.

Saturday afternoon you may think you have got away with it. Apart from a bit of soreness on your preferred area of contact with the tarmac it may not be as bad as it seems. A warm shower and it will all go away.You will be disappointed to find out the shower is not laced with magic as when you get out the shower the only thing preventing you from hitting the floor twice in one day is holding on to the sink .The reason why you got married will now become apparent as your feeble yelps of pain will attract your partner who will dry you off in the manner of somebody who really has got to go to Sainsburys otherwise there will be no dinner. By evening a form of rigormortis will start to set in and a night on the sofa beckons because your other half refuses point blank to carry you upstairs.

On Sunday all other areas that were not painful yesterday will make themselves known with such force that having teeth pulled will be mildly amusing in comparison.

Nec k , hip , shoulder , chest .They will all make their presence felt.

If children are around they will think nothing of insisting on a ride on your back assuming the tears on your face are for joy. If you think shouting at them will ease them off then think again. Your ribs will be hurting so much you will be unable to breathe deep enough to get the words out.
By Monday the house will have so much Deep Heat vapour in the air the wallpaper will start to peel which in turn will be added to the DIY list that sits prominent on the fridge door with big letters at the bottom reading ‘By Christmas’ . If the first signs of depression haven’t got to you by now then Tuesday may bring it on.

Unbeknown to you the Codiene tablets you have been taking to ease your pain are well known to induce an almost unblockable bout of constipation that , considering you have pretty much cleared out four boxes , could lead to a sh1t life until the closing ceremony of the Olympics. Not to worry because your attentive partner will have the remedy in supplying enough fig yoghurts to reverse your predicament and , instead , you could be pebbledashing with such force you may for one moment think Jaggers lips are protruding from between your bum cheeks.
Bear in mind before you sit as comfortably on the toilet as you can, considering your hip is red raw ,that you will find the arm you use for the final act, if you know what I mean, will not move round because of the aforementioned rib problem . You may therefore want to ensure your beloved is in the house to wipe your arse rather than leaving you on the pot on your own for five hours while she goes shopping in Guildford. And don’t assume a plea on her mobile will bring her back any quicker.

On Wednesday your better half will have found plenty of time to talk to her friends about your accident and don’t think that further sympathy is coming your way. She will have deduced, in her own little way, that because nobody she has spoken to have fallen off their bikes that you are somehow a bit of a prat . Apparently all her friends have been riding bikes since they were six with perhaps ten years between rides and that makes them better at riding than you BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T FALLEN OFF.

Come Wednesday night you will have realised that because it is too painful to lay down you have spent five nights trying to sleep upright on the sofa . It is well documented that Frank Zappa spent eight nights without sleep . Don’t think that you and him won’t have anything in common any time soon. The only light relief you may find is that at two in the morning if you press the remote buttons often enough you may chance upon a free porn channel. You will then find yourself so excited that you drop the remote , accidentally put your leg on the buttons and as a soon as it arrived Freda and Twenty Window Cleaners disappears.

On Thursday don’t laugh , snort , sniff , snore , sneeze, shout , shag, or fart as it will still hurt.

Friday might get better but I doubt it.

[Antloony]

Hilarious reading, glad to see your sense of humours not injured. Get well soon dude.

[Marcus]

[Snoop Doug]

top drawer

[Elliot M]

post of the month!

get well soon!

[Dombo]

Lee, I can barely see to type through tears of laughter. That is brilliant! Get well soon, mate

[Sylv]

Hurrah for Japanese toilets!

[Marcus]

[quote="Sylv"]Hurrah for Japanese toilets!

[LeeS]

Thanks for your words of encouragement.You've all been very kind. I don't think I will be out this Saturday based mainly on the assumption that if I can't tie my laces I probably won't be able to reach the bars. Also I haven't got my bike back yet.

[Andrew G]

[img]http://www.clochette.co.uk/style_emoticons/default/hysterical.gif[/img]
Thank you very much Lee for making me laugh a lot. Sorry you're in a bad way but at least the trips to the toilet are helping you pass the time, taking a good book if your wife's out I take it.
[quote="LeeS"]Thanks for your words of encouragement.You've all been very kind. I don't think I will be out this Saturday based mainly on the assumption that if I can't tie my laces I probably won't be able to reach the bars. Also I haven't got my bike back yet.