What's the best clean joke ever?

[Steve B]

Woman trips over her new vacuum cleaner, knocks herself out, breaks both her arms and gets rushed to hospital. Husband calls the hospital to find out how she is and the nurse says "oh she's picking up nicely".


I was really cheesed off this morning, someone crashed into my car in one of those new Skoda's. There was jam, chocolate, jelly and sponge everywhere!

[Steve B]

My favourite;

Two sausages and an egg in a frying pan. Egg turns to one sausage and says "its hot in here isn't it". The sausage turns to the other sausage and says "bloody hell, a talking egg"!

[Mike I]

Man goes into a Swedish chemist and asks for some deodorant.

"Ball or aerosol?" asks the chemist.

"No, for my armpits" replies the customer.

[Is that allowed? It's after 9pm]

[Andrew G]

Man walking past an athetics stadium sees a competitor carrying a very long thin bag.

He says, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Man replies, "Yes, and how did you know my name is Walter?"

(Sorry Marek and Andrew )

[David Lombari]

I've got a step ladder at home.....it's not my real ladder, I just married it's mother....

Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipers who sold their soul to santa....

Bloke goes into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "I thought I'd show you the pig I have to have to s**g when you refuse me sex"....His wife says "It's not a pig, it's a sheep"....the bloke replies "I weren't talking to you!"

[Mike I]

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a dog.

[mrP(Boonen)VT]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

[adrian]

Morning

1) A bloke goes to the optician's. After waiting for a while he gets called in. The optician gives him an eye test and after analysing the results says,
"Mr Jones, you have to stop m*sturbating."
Why?" said the patient. "Is that the reason I'm short-sighted?".
"No", said the optometrist. "It's just that you're upsetting my receptionist."

2) Two snowmen in a field. One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell carrots?"

3) I used to go out with a girl who worked at Marks & Spencers. It didn't last - she'd never let me try anything on.

[mrP(Boonen)VT]

A man walked into the doctors, he said,

"I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said,

"Well don't go to those places again"

[richv]

There were two goldfish in a tank.

One turned to the other and asked "do you know how to drive this thing?".

[adrian]

My dog's gone missing."
"Stick an ad in the local paper."
"No, that's no good. He can't read."

[Jon H]

A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says "Why the long face?"

[Jon H]

Arial and Verdana walk into a bar.

The barman says "We don't serve your type here".

[Mike I]

[quote]A horse walks into a bar.

The barman says "Why the long face?"

[Stu Merckx Man]

whats the cheapest bicycle?.... a penny farthing

whats the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?....the road

why couldnt the bike stand up on its own?....it was two tired