What's the best clean joke ever?

[Dombo]

Bloke goes into a bar with a flamingo and a cat. Cat gives his order to the man and disappears to the loo while the other two approach the bar and the man orders some drinks.
"That'll be £7.68 please" says the barman.
The man reaches into his pocket, hands over the exact change. Cat emerges from the loo, joins the man and the flamingo at the bar and the trio enjoy their drinks.
Time for another round, the cat wanders over to watch some pool, the man orders again for all three and once again has the exact change. The cat slinks back to sup his drink with his companions.
"'Ere," says the barman, after a third round of the same - the cat this time having taken another comfort break.
"I couldn't help noticing a couple of things. First off, you come in here with a flamingo and a cat, fair enough, but secondly, you always have the exact change for the round. What gives?"
"Well", replied the man. "Last week I found a bottle, rubbed it and a genie came out, gave me three wishes. You know what? I said. I'd like to always have the exact change for whatever I buy, however odd or large the sum. Granted, said the genie, what else? You have two more wishes.
So I said I'd like bird with long legs and a tight pussy".

[adrian]

I went to a zoo yesterday.

There were no animals there except for a solitary dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

[mrP(Boonen)VT]

More from the call centres:

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

[Grahame]

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"

[Jon H]

A hard-of-hearing skier walk into a bar in Val d'Isere, and asks the barman for advice on the best pistes. "Don't ask me, I'm a toboggonist" says the barman. "In that case, I'll have a packet of Marlboro Lights and a Daily Mirror please" replies the skier.

[mrP(Boonen)VT]

Blonde said:

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left me a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'"

[Sylv]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Al

Al who?

Al ...

Al ....























Al Zeihmer


(it's not very good but I just made it up)

[Steve B]

Blimey, some of these are really bad, but keep them coming.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Interrupting sheep!

Interrupting shee 'BAAAAAH!!!'



Group of alzheimers sufferers at a rally with their banners chanting;

What do we want? -- We cant remember!
When do we want it -- What?

[mrP(Boonen)VT]

[quote]time to close to this thread me thinks.

[mrP(Boonen)VT]

and with a cycling theme.....

I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. The woman was driving very slowly uphill, honking her horn and shouting at me: "PIG! PIG!!". I flipped her the finger and shouted back "BITCH! COW!!"....Then I collided with the pig!

[mrP(Boonen)VT]

and another..


Two Nuns were riding a tandem along Wapping Warf in Bristol. The Nun on the back seat (the stoker) remarked "I've never come this way before", the reply "Must be the cobble stones"

[mrP(Boonen)VT]

or this one...

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.

"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.

"Sand," the cyclist replied.

"Get them off. We need to take a look."

The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.

"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"

The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"

[Wal]

"They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. They're not laughing now." - Bob Monkhouse.

[mrP(Boonen)VT]

I was riding along when my mobile rang. so I answered it, and it was my boss who said

'You've been promoted.'

then I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said

"You've been promoted again.'

then I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said

'You're managing director.'

And I rode into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.

[Steve B]

The last one - Brilliant!