There Was A Policeman When I Wanted One.

[Andrew G]

There Was A Policeman When I Wanted One.

I bring you a tale of evil, three counts of good fortune, and of course a happy ending.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, well early afternoon actually, and a dashing young gentleman was heading home from work. Said Gentleman, we’ll call him Andrew for convenience, was astride his bicycle and cruising along with a smile on his face.

He had just descended Anerley Hill to Elmers End, turned right past Tesco and made his way over the humped back bridge. Just past the bridge Andrew spotted a small gathering of youths who looked full of devilment, standing near the roadside and holding a long thin branch. [Not sure of the collective term for such people, a scrotum of gits perhaps?]

As Andrew passed this collective they shouted some uncouth remarks full of vitriol and launched the aforementioned branch at Andrew’s bike, presumably aiming for the spokes of one of the wheels. Fortunately the thrower was weak in both aim and power and the branch missed the bike bouncing harmlessly off Andrew’s thigh before falling to the kerbside.

Andrew freewheeled, slowing up, and retorted to this assault with a barrage of witticisms using a broad range of language from the blue spectrum. He then continued, taking the next left in to The Glades.

Not two hundred metres down the road Andrew spotted a gentleman dressed in blue walking along the pavement. Andrew pulled up to this gentleman, who as luck would have it was a Community Policeman, and informed him of the incident. The policeman then radioed in whilst jogging back down the road, with Andrew soft tapping beside him.

Andrew and the policeman surprised the evil youths as they came around the corner, and were joined by a Good Samaritan who had been walking on the other side of the road. The policeman took down all the details, and names and addresses of all the parties. The most evil of all the youths, he that had thrown the stick, was looking very sheepish as both Andrew and the Good Samaritan identified him as the nare-do-well.

The nare-do-well tried to convince the policeman that he had been trying to throw the branch over the road, but being a little lacking in intellect didn’t realise that it was both unbelievable as well as unlikely to win favour with an officer of the law as an innocent pastime.

The final episode of this tale is also the final piece of good fortune, as the support policemen who arrived were mounted officers on mountain bikes, and also one was a keen cyclist. They were therefore fully intent on making sure that the youths were properly dealt with and full of support for an innocent passing cyclist.

Andrew departed the scene wishing the Good Samaritan Happy Christmas and thanking her profusely for supporting him in a World where most would not want to get involved.

Wishing you Yuletide Felicitations and leaving you with the moral of the story:
When cycling between Tesco and the Glades keep an eye out for those with evil intent.

[Rob C]

Excellent! Look what Santa bought them for Christmas - ASBO's...

[Stu Merckx Man]

great tale of wo and good fortune andrew

[Ian A4size]

Shurely n'er

[John the old'un]

Great result Andrew.
Hope the scrotes get taught a lesson.

[John the old'un]

[quote="Seanieh_Has3TktsWant1?©"]This has more holes in it than a block of Swiss Cheese.

3. The term is "ne're-do-well" is a contraction of "never do well".[/list]

[Ian A4size]

Bl00dy pedants!

Well done for reporting it tho' Andrew- too many people just don't bother.

[Paul H]

Glad to here you are ok Andrew.

Most people dont bother reporting this sort of thing as our great justice system will let them off anyway.

[mlocke]

You should have found a bigger stick and gone back with that not a PCSO

[Dombo]

Can I have my stick back?

[Alan M]

No doubt he will receive an ASBO - think about it!

[adrian]

Actually, it's 'ne'er' - the apostrophe so placed to denote the ellided consonant.

Oh, and nice one, Andrew and new friends

[Andrew G]

Thanks for the correction . I knew it was wrong but my mind went blank at the time of writing.

For all the snide comments about the community officer, he took all the details, made a report, called for back up, and was there to report it to in the first place. Personally I couldn't have asked for much more.

Dombo, I know it wasn't you as the villain of the piece wasn't wearing a parachute.